overscan.org

Bee Genocide

What is the thought process that goes through the 67th yellow jacket’s mind before he flies into this device.

1) Ooooh! Yellooooww.

2) Oh my goodness, a slew of dead friends! I should go in too!

3) I’ll save you!

On another note. Is this trap 100% effective for all yellow jackets? Because if it’s not, are we killing off all the stupid Yellow Jackets, and leaving the smart yellow jackets to reproduce? Over time, in areas we think are our safest parks and patios, we could be creating an army of killer bees; Meat-eaters that attack humans, especially humans carrying hamburgers, chicken wings, and other deli goods. I estimate that by 2090, the US Killer Yellow Jacket epidemic will have risen beyond repair. Yellow Jackets will be nesting in our mailboxes & central air conditioning systems. These insects will be so strong that they will be immune to all consumer household poisons. The US Agriculture Commission will have to make DDT available for consumer purchase. The DDT will run off in the rain into the drinking water, and cause the death of the majority of animals in North America. The entire human population will have no choice but to be vegan. Hippies will turn corporate, opening vegan falafel chains & tofu houses. Tofutti will be a household name & the steak will be something that children hear tales of from their racist grandparents. Perhaps we should think of future generations before we begin trapping yellow jackets for the good of our weekend barbecues.

The Clapper

If you had the clapper hooked up to the TV, and the clapper commercial came on, wouldn’t the clapping in the commercial turn off the tv?

…

Me: A-Choo!

Stranger: God Bless You

Me: Oh, no thanks. I’ll be fine on my own.

MLA Format for Office Conversation

Conversations with unfamilar people in an office environment vary depending on the day of the week. They are as follows:

Monday:
1) How’s it going?
2) It’s ok, tough to come back on Monday.
1) Yeah, I feel that.

Tuesday:
1) How’s it going?
2) Hangin’ in there, just trying to get through the week.
1) Yeah, I feel that.

Wednesday:
1) How’s it going?
2) Hangin’ in there, halfway through the week now, so that’s good. **
1) Yeah, I feel that.

Thursday:
1) How’s it going?
2) Doin’ ok. Tomorrow’s Friday, so that’s good.
3) Yeah, I feel that.

Friday:
1) How’s it going?
2) Pretty good, glad it’s Friday.
1) Yeah, I feel that.

This is simply an outline, each phrase individually can be altered slightly, but the 3-line, short template must be followed.

** The phrase “hump-day” can sometimes be included by 2, to be determined by the level of exuberance between 1 and 2. Because exuberance between 1 and 2 in an office environment is not possible, the phrase “hump-day” can never be used.

Workin’ for the Man

I feel like I’m being watched. They face the computers into the cubicles so that you can’t be looking at your screen and also aware of who might be looking at you. Suddenly people are behind you. The man is often quite passive aggressive. For example, often when I return from a break there is a hand-out or an updated spreadsheet or some other piece of paperwork on my chair from the Man. That’s how the Man says “I know you were gone, just letting you know that I know.”

Everyday, the Man kills at least 15 trees per employee. Though the Man has embraced email, he has really only embraced email as a way to send dual information. Anything that is sent on email will also be placed on your chair when you are not there, perhaps because of the importance of paper on the chair as depicted in the previous paragraph. The Man then gets upset if your desk is messy or disorganized, but the reality is that the Man has Himself caused the majority of the clutter that exists there.

Do shows have an expiration date?

New episodes of shows on the WB are called “fresh”. Does that mean that reruns are stale?

Who are you lookin’ at?

Democrats been sayin’ fer months that the only reason we went to war was for oil. Well answer this, democrats: If we went to war for oil, then why is gas so expensive?

Let’s be Realistic

Why do movies and tv shows always depict these really awesome fictional US Presidents in stories that are supposed to take place in the present day? Maybe they should be more realistic. If George W. Bush were the President in X-Men, that Mutant School in New England would be TOAST.

I got Rhythm

It seems that whenever there is construction happening somewhere, that the slowly repeated “beep - beep - beep - beep” of a truck backing up never stops. Why is this? Do construction workers have something against other gears? Do they drive the vehicle around backwards the entire time that it is on the site? Is it something more complicated and calculated? Are they trying to distract surrounding people from the careless accidents and chaos that may actually exist within the construction site?

A) Did you hear that explosion?

B) No, that was just the truck backing up

A) Oh, ok. Nevermind.

Help is on the way!

Upset and impatient with President Bush’s slow reaction to the flooding in New Orleans and the Gulf Region, Senator John Kerry took it upon himself to assist in the search and rescue missions being conducted in the Greater New Orleans area.